painlessness of my return...

As painless as it could get...I’m in the middle of my second month in Russia. So far I got a pretty good job, rented an apartment in the city centre in Moscow and now trying to understand what’s next...

Strange enough, but I thought everything would more difficult once I’m in Russia.
I don’t even know if this blog is still relevant...I’m confused. It’s not like I’ve blended in again. Not at all. Still same thing as it usually was – I feel like a white crow in some places.

Some people around me now seem to have figured me out. They say I’m just like any other Russian. But I’m not, I know I’m not.

As much as I love my country, I don’t think I will ever blend in. I heard a couple of days ago from some Russians who lived in the states forever and then came back to Russia, that they feel more comfortable being here in Moscow, rather than in the US. I listened to this and got quite surprised. It’s not like I’d like to judge them. More like I’d like to judge myself. I began asking myself questions why on earth I’ve got this idea in my head that I’m different to other Russians in the way I understand the world?

And then indeed a white crow term comes to my mind. I’ve always been different. Even my Spanish friend Laura said she thought me different when she met me and still thinks the same. I’m wondering what she meant by this? Different in what way?

And here comes a memory of my own. I’m 6 years old. While every girl in kindergarten was playing with dolls, I was reading a book by a Russian astronaut Grechka. He drew most amazing pictures of the Universe: planets, futuristic locations, etc. I loved that book and loved to dream about spaceships and the stars. Why, I did of course play with dolls, but most of the time it was for a "check". It means I behaved as it was intended just not to become a complete white crow.

So, perhaps the only difference is that I’m just not like other people? This is a pure psychology isn't it?
But then why do I feel more comfortable among foreigners? In Moscow, though, this is different, because Moscowed foreigners have this Russianness in them. Some even are so Russian in their attitude that it’s scary. Why would people give up their lives at home and come all the way down to Russia? With all due respect to the history of my country, I just don’t seem to understand this now.
Russia is so f*cked up...I'm f*cked up...