painlessness of my return...

As painless as it could get...I’m in the middle of my second month in Russia. So far I got a pretty good job, rented an apartment in the city centre in Moscow and now trying to understand what’s next...

Strange enough, but I thought everything would more difficult once I’m in Russia.
I don’t even know if this blog is still relevant...I’m confused. It’s not like I’ve blended in again. Not at all. Still same thing as it usually was – I feel like a white crow in some places.

Some people around me now seem to have figured me out. They say I’m just like any other Russian. But I’m not, I know I’m not.

As much as I love my country, I don’t think I will ever blend in. I heard a couple of days ago from some Russians who lived in the states forever and then came back to Russia, that they feel more comfortable being here in Moscow, rather than in the US. I listened to this and got quite surprised. It’s not like I’d like to judge them. More like I’d like to judge myself. I began asking myself questions why on earth I’ve got this idea in my head that I’m different to other Russians in the way I understand the world?

And then indeed a white crow term comes to my mind. I’ve always been different. Even my Spanish friend Laura said she thought me different when she met me and still thinks the same. I’m wondering what she meant by this? Different in what way?

And here comes a memory of my own. I’m 6 years old. While every girl in kindergarten was playing with dolls, I was reading a book by a Russian astronaut Grechka. He drew most amazing pictures of the Universe: planets, futuristic locations, etc. I loved that book and loved to dream about spaceships and the stars. Why, I did of course play with dolls, but most of the time it was for a "check". It means I behaved as it was intended just not to become a complete white crow.

So, perhaps the only difference is that I’m just not like other people? This is a pure psychology isn't it?
But then why do I feel more comfortable among foreigners? In Moscow, though, this is different, because Moscowed foreigners have this Russianness in them. Some even are so Russian in their attitude that it’s scary. Why would people give up their lives at home and come all the way down to Russia? With all due respect to the history of my country, I just don’t seem to understand this now.
Russia is so f*cked up...I'm f*cked up...

"Home" in 12 days

And so here it is...12 days left before I come back to Russia. Before my new life cycle begins, before I have to figure it out completely what I want next...

I must say I'm pretty damn scared now to go back and have no clue on if I get a job or find an apartment straightaway or not. Yeah I do have my degree..so what? Does it change anything in Russia? It doesn't.

I'm also scared to be alone there...I mean three and a half years ago I left Russia and my friends behind. But we all grow and change and now...there is probably just one person left that I can still call my real friend...that means that I will have to find people that somehow resemble my attitude towards life. Stick to expats in other words! I do not wish to give up speaking in English on daily basis, because I love this language and find it more easy and appropriate in many ways.

12 days left...It's final countdown. Russia soon and them my real life of an expat entries will commence.

Soon life as an expat in Russia begins

So, there is a little bit more than one month left until I move back to Russia, after having live abroad for three and a half years.

It has recently occured to me, that I will become an expatriate in my own country.
Actually, I always thought I didn't belong in Russia...so different my views and lifestyle were to the others'.

This all moving-back-getting-a-job- thing is quite a challenge I must say. It feels like a whole new part of me is being born, and old me - me, who has lived in Ireland, is saving herself by choosing to become an expat in Russia.

I have a strong desire to lead my life according to the western morals+mindset in Russia. It will be certainly difficult to say every day Hi to people randomly as it is done here. I remember last year, when I was in my hometown - I was buying water in a kiosk (a small shop) and I said Hi to the salesgirl. She just looked at me as if I had committed a crime and muttered something. I guessed it was Hi too.
What about smiling in the streets? Especially, when I move to Moscow? I don't think people will think much of me, if I smile at them.
What about my English? What about ethics and code of conduct in journalism that have been missed in Russia for quite some time now? What about thinking if it is going to rain today or not? What about counting cent coins? What about 1,60 euro bus fare? What about rolls&wraps&takeaway coffee for breakfast? What about all these?

I love challenges. This is just going to be another one.

A Russian expat in Russia...